It's everywhere. Everyone knows. Nobody is denying it. The aliens are coming, and they're angry, very angry. So angry in fact that they've demanded we part with some of our most inspiring and sensational landscapes else they'll blow us to kingdom-come. Good one, Blair, we did warn you about the consequences of attacking QWERTY-MON-ATHON-LAND 5, especially as it's common knowledge what they did to QWERTY-MON-ATHON-LAND 1, 2, 3 and 4. Nice one. At least they did actually have weapons of mass planetary destruction, I'll give you that.
So with that clear message in mind, the question beckons - what parts of the planet are we willing to sacrifice? The Sahara desert? The Amazon? The Victoria Falls? Penzance? All would be good options, but I don't think we should be too open, we should be coy. Clearly, there's only one group of people who save us: travel agents.
Travel agents have the linguistic capability to make a holiday to Baghdad sound enticing, so why can't they sell the parts of the planet we don't like to the aliens? They know nothing about our planet apart from the fact it's small, round and that although it's easy to disintegrate, it isn't recyclable. This proposition also seems very practical and useful for both parties; we get to keep the Great Wall of China and our alien buddies get to have a pint in a dodgy pub in Wolverhampton.
The first location would be an easy sell: France. QWERTY's finest species would enjoy devouring the exquisite cuisine that is so readily available in the country. They can munch on anything from frogs legs to well, more frogs legs. Disney Land Paris wouldn't exactly be missed either; sure, we know that children love it but everyone realises that it isn't up to scratch with it's Florida counterpart, so why keep it? Alien adolescents all over the universe envy the humans who don't appreciate their photos with Mickey Mouse, instead opting to push him over, so by giving them France they will get the opportunity to have their photo with the grinning rodent on their mantelpiece. A memory framed for eternity.
Bognor Regis is a bit crap. Slammed between the cities of Portsmouth and Brighton, you would think that it will have the best of both worlds, but it doesn't. What it does have, however, is what a travel agent would call "a perfect pebble beach with a glorious sea-line vista," and although we know that this is far from the truth, our green tentacled friends won't have the foggiest. In reality all it is is a stretch of sharp, pointy rocks that tear up the feet of kids every day, and the sea is so acidic it burns your feet the moment you step in it. A travel agent would put this down to a 'cooling, tepid water temperature.'
Every year, millions of people are sold holidays to Hollywood in the hills of Los Angeles. The travel agents stuff them up with tours of the Warner Brothers studios, among thousands of others. It's consistently sunny, produces stunning blockbusters and is the home of the world's biggest stars. Sounds perfect, but the problem is that it's very, very elitist. Only the best manage to get work there which leads to all the hopefuls who get turned away turning to drugs and booze and washing cars, badly. Give me Nollywood any day. Anyone can turn up and get an instant role in Dr. Sally, a promising Nigerian soap about a doctor and his family. They like to eat melons. By offering QWERTY Hollywood we can make industries such as Nollywood boom, whilst also increasing employment as literally anyone can make themselves a star there.
Personally, I don't see why we should lose the Niagara Falls when giving the aliens Russia is all the same to them because they haven't seen a waterfall before, and even if they did feel hard-done-by all they'd have to do is melt Siberia to get the same effect. It's also the birthplace of a very alien idea - Communism. I'll grow my space vegetables and exchange them for your space rocks. On paper this would be lovely, the communities all working together towards the same common goal, but in practice it doesn't work and tyrants end up dictating the people to work for them. The extra-terrestrial beings would love this idea as they don't know any better, they haven't heard of democracy or the Saxophone. It will be an easy sell for the travel agents, they'd simply have to explain that it's famed for it's premium vodka, a substance that really can improve life even when everything seems to be going tits up. There would be no need to tell them how god-damn awful it tastes and without any Western influences there'll be no Coke to mix it with.
The world knew that the rise of the travel agents to hero-status was inevitable, what with their incredible ability to sell any location to anyone and their inability to back down to any challenge - Mr and Mrs. Jones don't want a holiday to Azerbaijan? Offer them half-price flights and they'll take it. Estate agents however, will remain low down the pecking order. Sure, people may want to visit the Sahara Desert, but would they want to live there? No. Travel agents manage to sell the most inhospitable places every day, but estate agents can't even sell a flat in Croydon which isn't quite as bad. QWERTY's would see straight through their lies.
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