The Last Blog

So here we are: the day before world's end. A scary, scary thought - everything you once cared about, obliterated, gone. Forever. It isn't even a punchline to a joke. It's the punchline to a calendar.

Obviously that's all the evidence we need to assume that December 21st is the day that everyone and everything gets obliterated. You can cry all you like about not seeing your hamster again, you'll also be dead so what difference does it make? In fact, I'll go as far to say that you'll be a similar size pile of ash or gloop as the little critter by the end of it, in your smoking shoes, of course.

Everyone's had long enough to prepare and even marketing sections of major corporations have got involved with Lynx promoting their 'Final Edition', and who knows, maybe the DFS sale will finally end? But how have you prepared? You haven't? Well, luckily I've prepared for four possible eventualities, and you're more than welcome to tag along and join my clan and help repopulate the world (blokes need not apply, you can do one).

Zombie Apocalypse

The first port of call for any horror fan is this classic scenario: the dear are rising and your great-grandparents, who used to seem so friendly and welcoming with that 'old person' smell, want nothing more than to eat your brains. If you see your beloved childhood pet charging at you, don't give it one final stroke, because that's what it will be.

Not on my watch. Twat them round the head with a shovel, punch them square in the face - just do whatever it takes to get those undead beasts to leave you alone. If zombie films and games have taught us anything it's that they're lumbering creatures who have a default speed of 'slow', so it should even be quite easy to outrun them in your car, or even your child's scooter.

If worst comes to worse just surround yourself in a zombie's mortal enemy: the fence. There's no way past it. Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go round it. Apocalypse survived.

Nuclear Explosion

Now this is the biggy - it'll cause unimaginable anarchy, incredible mutations, horrific scars and scorching burns, but you'll be fine.

Testwood Sports College in Totton has a stage - under this stage is a small area where people who read this blog can chill out and let what happens outside happen, as, if rumour be true (and let's hope it be...), you're safe from absolutely anything. I'm not sure why the safest place to be is under a stage in a school, but I have a good feeling about it.

Clearly this isn't going to work without supplies, so the group will nominate someone to arm up with some fireworks and a few sharpened stage planks to go hunting. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I'm exempt from this as it was my idea. It's a dog eat dog world out there, so it's every man for themselves. The person must be as cunning as they are brave and as brave as they are stupid. Any politicians volunteering? Repeat until I'm the last one left. Apocalypse survived.

Tidal Wave

Everyone knows that the overwhelming majority of the Earth's surface is covered with water, so there isn't a lot you can do in way of prevention here, but that doesn't mean all is lost. Every beachside town and every gift shop in the country is full of inflatables, buckets and kids fishing rods. All you have to do is pitch in a few quid each with your family members (or not if you can't stand them), buy these essentials and tie them together with some rope.

By doing this you'll have something to float (live) on, buckets to do your business in and keep food (separately) and fishing rods to catch fish with. I dare say that animals such as cows and pigs won't be quite smart enough to do this, so there'll be plenty of them for the taking if you get fed up of fish and chips every night. Apocalypse survived.

Planetary Collision

Granted, there isn't a lot you can do about this one, I mean, this catastrophe would be on an astronomical scale, but what's the harm in trying to survive? All you have to do is jump onto this other planet as it smashes into us. Grab hold of a rock or something. That way you've avoided the initial impact by jumping and you can still survive because the rogue planet will be in our atmosphere. I'm a genius. Apocalypse survived.

So there you have it... The easiest ways to survive the impending apocalypse. Experts say that there's a one in infinite probability that it will actually happen tomorrow, but nobody cares about experts. At least you can be safe in the knowledge that if they're right and nothing does happen we'll be able to go to the DFS sale wearing the new Lynx fragrance: Survivor. You heard it here first.